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September 26th, 2006

The Restless Miscreant: 12 Million Elephants In The Room…

by Delbert Grady

And Congress doesn’t want to deal with them–at least until after the 2006 elections. So, while the shadowboxing goes on, it’s a little hard not to notice that the room is getting more crowded.

According to the Pew Hispanic Center, as of March 2005 there were 11.1 million (12 million now) illegal Hispanics in the United States, composed of 5.4m males, 3.9m females and 1.8m children. And let’s not forget an additional 3.1m children who are considered legal because they were born here. Out of the 9.3 m adults, it is estimated that 7.2m of them are employed, making up less than 5% of the U.S. work force but 24% of farming, 17% of cleaning, 14% of construction labor and 12% of food preparation. So what are the other 2.1m doing? Drugs? Other crime? Who knows.

Two questions come to mind: First, do we need them? They are, after all, illegal, having snuck in here. It’s been widely reported that they’re vital to our economy because Americans won’t do the low-level jobs that they will. Reality suggests that, if true, it’s only because those jobs just don’t pay enough to support our generally bloated lifestyles. Therefore, the answer is obvious: we do need them – as economic slaves.

Ah, but can we afford them? If they are allowed to continue to collect free medical, education and other services under our pathetically lax systems without paying the taxes necessary to support those things, I don’t think so. (And let’s not forget all the tangential things like, if they drive illegally, they are uninsured and dangerous to us.) Add to these the inevitable fun to come when the stock and housing markets collapse and Americans need those jobs.

And so, what to do? Well, we’ve had the draconian House and woozy Senate bills as trial balloons to test the waters and (no doubt) allow Republican candidates to tailor their campaign pitches on the matter to their respective constituencies, and which have had the effect of further polarizing everybody. So, will it be felony deportation, amnesty of some ilk, or what?

Since the essence of any good deal is where all parties get something, let’s offer one. First, though, the borders must be secured and as many illegals as possible already here rooted out for proper I.D. purposes including fingerprinting. Then the deal: “It’s your lucky day. George Bush needs more cannon fodder for his insane war so we’re willing to let you show your devotion to your new home by signing you up for a stint in the Army. You, your wife and kids will get 3 to 6 months of English training followed by basic training and another year or two in the field after which, if you don’t get your ass shot off, you can come back here as a full citizen. In the meantime, your wife can take care of the kids on full military pay and we’ll even throw in health and liability insurance for the family. But, of course, if you don’t like our gracious offer we’ll either deport you or send you to a detention facility where you can continue to aid the economy by making license plates.”

A little too politically incorrect for you? Maybe so, but at least we might not all be singing the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish 50 years from now. *

Editor’s note: The same operation that failed on Rosemary Kennedy, suceeded with Mr. Grady . He is recuperating at a halfway house in the Bronx.

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