February 6th, 2007
Restless Miscreant: First Child at the Whitehouseby Delbert Grady
What? Laura Bush had another baby? Hardly. She just had the misfortune of marrying one a long time ago.
It occurred to me recently that from the beginning of American history we’ve had Presidents ranging from magnificent to swine. But they all had one thing in common–they were MEN, otherwise known as GROWNUPS. That is, until now.
Now we have the ultimate silver-spoon boomer, a conceited, swaggering, petulant schoolboy. Hope you caught his “off-cam” act at the G8 in July. For those who didn’t, the scene was nothing short of a depraved emperor reclining on his divan shoving grapes or some such into his mouth while dispensing crude pearls of his incomparable wisdom to Tony Blair who was bowing and scraping like some modern-day Igor. About the only things missing were a suckling pig, a bevy of bejeweled belly dancers, and a minstrel.
Ask yourself what MAN who was President of the most powerful country on earth would —
1. Read goat stories to children for 7 minutes while the country for whose security he was responsible was under attack? (Captain Queeg)
2. Go braggadocio with “bring ’em on” and proceed to sacrifice the lives of 3,000 servicemen and huge numbers of others severely injured to back up his boast in a doomed endeavor of his own creating? (Custer, except he, at least, went down with his men.)
3. Embrace an increasingly dictatorial leader of a former cold-war enemy as a man to be admired? (Chamberlain, but that’s a stretch because he didn’t really like Hitler.)
4. Believe that his concept of “God-given strength” was sufficient to justify ignoring the advice of more experienced experts and leaders including his father, a former President? (Shakespeare)
5. After beating back ‘ol devil rum through “will and faith,” deny it to others at official functions? (“If I can’t have my candy, you can’t have any either.”)
6. In connection with 2. above, invade a country run by somebody who tried to “git” his father. While this is the source of jokes by Bill Maher, Dave Chappelle and me, among others, maybe it’s really not very funny after all (Shakespeare, again.)
7. At a black-tie affair attended by his staunchest supporters (sort of the kind of people in the old Burt Lancaster film, Executive Action), joke and gesture about finding no evidence of the deadly devices via which he cajoled Congress and the populace into anteing up $400 billion or so–wink-wink–to the insiders (Potential oil profits) with the foolishness of a sophomoric clown? (Skull & Bones)
8. Blame the guy who put him where he is for a party loss due largely to his own failures (good old Adolf near the end of WWII?)
9. Hold a breakfast concilliation meeting with several influential members of the opposition party in Congress and demand that one of them put on his suit jacket even though it was a summer day and the man was too warm? (“You’ll play by my rules or take your marbles and go home.”)
10. Refuse to open direct dialogues with govenments of countries he deems threats or offensive to humanity? (“I don’t like you, and I’m not coming out to play.”)
11. Give an unwanted shoulder massage to a female world leader whose resulting withering look was beyond words (double secret probation?)
Well, I guess we all know who would, but let’s not forget he only looks like a MAN. And by now the pressure of all his disastrous decisions must be at least beginning to crush him like some screw-driven bed canopy slowly advancing downward like in some Vincent Price movie as he tries to shut it all out and go to sleep. MEN have crumpled under such pressure.
So how will he now respond? Since I imagine he will plead concilliation but actually do just what he wants to anyway, it will fall to Congress to take his candy away before he does much more damage. But let’s never forget that he’s still Commander-in-Chief and could decide to shoot the moon by ordering nuclear attacks on North Korea, Iran or both (“bunker effect”) without anyone’s permission or approval. Now that’s a cheery thought, eh?