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December 12th, 2008

SOHO GADABOUT: MAKING HIS LIST…

by Anthony Venditto

One of my modern day literary heroes is Esquire’s writer at large, Tom Chiarella. I delight in his carefully crafted word usage, revel in his ability to concisely comment on the world as an introspective growth tool and simply groove on his humor in general. I read a piece of his entitled “75 Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies”. To paraphrase his own introduction, it wasn’t a checklist but a collection of experiences gained through ones’ own personal choices over the course of his life. Here are a few examples from his essay: “Fly a Cessna”; “Toboggan Aggressively”; “Milk a cow. Drink that.” See, good shit. Reading his work has always moved me, but this time I was inspired to create my own compilation. So I did just that and here it is. Call it a tribute, call it an homage, call it a complete rip off: for better or worse here’s my list of…

A Bunch of Shit Any Guy Could Do!

HAVE PRIDE IN YOUR HOME STATE. Especially if it’s New Jersey, not so much if it’s Texas.

BETRAY A CONFIDANTE.
Sometimes being the bad guy is fun. (Just ask Darth)

KNOW HOW TO HOLD YOUR LIQUOR.

ASK YOUR BOSS TO PULL YOUR FINGER.

SCREEN THE MAJOR FILMS OF BILLY ZABKA. (Karate Kid 84′, Just One of the Guys 85′, Back to School 86′) He elevated the role of the movie bully from a one trick pony into a fully developed person. A jerk-off, but a person all the same.

QUESTION AUTHORITY. ALWAYS!

READ.

PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THE MOUTH. Be prepared for retaliation. Whatever happens, don’t cry.

COOK AND EAT AN ENTIRE POUND OF BACON IN ONE SITTING. Bonus points for doing this during football season. If kosher, use turkey bacon.

BEAT OFF AT WORK. Don’t get caught.

FUCK A FATTY.
Sober.

SEE A FILM, ANY FILM, IN IMAX 3D.

LEARN HOW TO FAKE SINCERITY. Trust me; it’s a timeless skill that will always come in handy.

HOLD A GIRL’S HAIR BACK WHILE SHE PUKES.

GROW AN OLD SCHOOL JOHN HOLMES MUSTACHE.

BLOW LINES OFF A SEX WORKER’S ASS. If you don’t do drugs, spank a hooker, if you don’t do hookers…well just don’t judge me.

FORGET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHDAY JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

PUBLICLY DISCIPLINE A CHILD THAT’S NOT YOURS.

FALL ASLEEP WHILE TALKING TO YOUR SWEETIE ON THE PHONE. Without even realizing it.

GET A FREE ROOM COMP AT A CASINO. Its way easier to do than you think it is.

PUBLICLY DISCIPLINE A PARENT.

HAVE A GIRL HOLD YOUR HAIR BACK WHEN YOU PUKE.

TUCK YOUR BALLS BACK BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. Reenact that scene from Silence of the Lambs.

SING THE FEMALE PARTS IN THE GREASE MEDLEY AT A KARAOKE BAR.

IMPART A NUGGET OF WISDOM TO A STRANGER.

INVESTIGATE THE RUB AND TUG SCENE IN YOUR TOWN.

GO TO A CHICK FLICK AND CRY. I saw 27 Dresses with my girlfriend. The movie sucked; still, I cried. Twice.

2 WORDS: BRAZILLIAN WAX.

SKETCH A SELF PORTRAIT. Share it with your friends. Endure their mockery.

HECKLE A COMIC.

HECKLE A LOVED ONE.

MEMORIZE CHOICE PASSAGES FROM A DR. SUESS BOOK. Recite them aloud at inappropriate occasions.

PISS IN A SHOWER THAT’S NOT YOURS.
Just for shits and giggles.

WATCH THE FILM “DEEP THROAT” AND TRY TO GET A HARD ON.
It’s not so easy. There was a LOT of extraneous pubic hair in 70’s porn.

WATCH BRITTNEY SPEARS’ VIDEO OOPS I DID IT AGAIN AND TRY NOT TO GET A HARD ON.
Again not so easy, but remember she’s only 16 in the video, you fuckin’ pedophile.

SHOVE A NUN.

TAKE A DUMP SOMEWHERE THAT’S NOT IN A TOILET. Use your wits to find “toilet paper”.

CHEAT DEATH.

CASUALLY STALK A CO-WORKER.

TOSS SOMEBODY’S SALAD. With jelly or syrup- Gentleman’s choice.

TRAVEL TO YOUR STATE CAPITAL.
Soak in the sights. Unless it’s Harrisburg, PA. In which case just hold yourself and cry.

GROW A CHIA PET.

DURING SEX SCREAM YOUR MOM’S NAME OUT WHEN YOU COME. Enjoy the hilarity that ensues.

INITIATE A SLOW CLAP AT A CHILDREN’S SPORTING EVENT.

ACCQUIRE MINIONS.

SIT ON YOUR COUCH. See how long you can do it without having to get up.

ORGANIZE A SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST A CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE.

SPEND AN ENTIRE DAY TALKING LIKE A PIRATE. Don’t overdo it, just pepper your speech with the occasional “Aarg” and perhaps some subtle references to a buried treasure you may or may not know the whereabouts of. Remember the key here is subtlety.

BE NICER TO YOUR MOM.

BUY SOMEONE, ANYONE, SOMETHING MONOGRAMMED.

LEARN TO PITCH WOO. I’m talkin’ buying flowers, opening’ doors, listenin’ actively. Do Whatever it takes; just go out there and woo the shit out of somebody. Your penis will thank you.

INSULT A STRANGER. Deal with the consequences.

MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE.

LEARN HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION PROPERLY. I am thirty four years old; I write for a living; and I have no clue how to properly use a semi-colon.

WORK A LITTLE NAKED TIME INTO YOUR DAILY ROUTINE.

MASTURBATE A LOT. Talk about it less.

PAMPER YOUR FEET.

DANCE. WELL. It doesn’t matter how God awful ugly you are, if you can dance well, chicks will assume you can screw well. It’s a fact.

INFILTRATE THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.

BE NICER TO THE UNATTRACTIVE. And more critical of the stupid.

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